Tis The Season

Winter. It’s sensational. It’s a season of warm fires, snow covered hills, close nit relations, and gift giving. But, some how, for me, these “sensational” things get lost in the mail along with Aunt Jeans socks and Grandma’s candy calendar.

Every winter it is the same thing. The season of giving, and happiness becomes a season of cold darkness, depression, and tears. In winter I feel utterly and completely alone. I’m left in the darkness at 6:30pm to think about my life and what I am doing. I’m suddenly alone with Kelly Clarkson and the lowest points in my life poping into my chilled head. First thing I look at is the most obvious: my love life or maybe lack there of. It’s so stereotypical of a girl to automatically think of her love life when left alone with love ridden music. To me it’s sickening. I hate it and yet I do it every year. Every winter I get upset by the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend. Why should it matter? Either way I am the same person. And it’s not that I am jealous of some people. I’m fine with the fact that people have a significant others and yet I just wish I had one too.

I don’t really know why I view my love life within the winter. Some how my focus lands not on school work but on my lacking relationships with men. I then begin to go over the equation. I see that I am a wonderful person who has a great personality, is down to earth, cute, and willing to give her heart to anyone who wishes. And yet, I have no one. There is a flaw somewhere in my calculations but I can’t seem to find it. I then begin to look for solutions to my problem. I cut my hair, I start dressing nicely, I try the make-up thing for a day. But everyday I come home with the same empty hands and saddened look. It is then that the cycle begins… What’s wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me. You shouldn’t let the boys determine the fact that there is. But then why don’t I have one? It’s a continuous and hellish cycle that consists of me being depressed within a feminist mind set. I don’t know whether to give into my feelings or to resist them and be a role model. I want to be a strong woman who doesn’t need a man. But, God damn it, I want a man too.

Lets think about it shall we? Most of my relationships are friendships or crushes. I have yet to actually flirt with a guy and get the reaction I want. Now, this may be because I flirt in an almost joking way, and that’s for me to work out. But I still don’t get it. Regardless of how I am flirting. I am doing everything right, and I am yet to get results. Right now I am within a prime example: the one guy I like is oblivious to the fact that I like him. And I do mean oblivious. You think “No, I’m sure that he gets it” but this kid? No. Doesn’t see one bit of it. I could blatantly hint to the fact that I like him, and yet he ignores my sarcastic comments and moves onto other “wannamakers” in his life.

But even though everyone can see it with the exception of him, it’s alright. I just move on. I keep on living because there is nothing that I can do, really. As much as I would like to be deep and depressed for more than a day, I can’t. So I continue with my upbeat personality. Plus why would I ever want to change myself to get a man? I would never do that….


…Well hardly ever…

::edit::

things change in an instant