Unwanted Pain

Choking
I gasp for air 

In your presence it kicks
But in your absence it moans 

I feel it
         wherever
          whenever

It stings
And burns 
But I persist through the hurt

It slowly kills
Dominating my insides
Consuming my core 

I can’t breath

I want this beautiful malice
But-- it digs
slowly at my gut
Chunk churning chunk churning 
              Chunk 

Why must it subside in my system?
This disease
This cancer

This
Unwanted pain

The Bobble Head Doll Story

Her day was hell. Tired, Carolina walked home, thankful that she didn’t have to endure one more second of Mrs. Rock’s English class. Lately, Carolina hated English. Mrs. Rock was tired from grading papers, so she was in a bad mood. Today she was particularly annoyed. She had given a pop quiz and Carolina knew before she took it that she would fail. It wasn’t enough that English was her hardest class but now, she had an F looming over her. Deciding to ignore the quiz, she went about her as usual, hoping that a good night sleep would get her mind off things.
The next morning, Carolina opened her eyes groggily to find herself not in her room. She went to move her legs but they were stuck together then her arms but they were buckled in muscular position. Carolina began to panic. The room looked strangely familiar and yet she couldn’t put her finger on where she was. Confused, she looked around the room her head bouncing as it turned. “it couldn’t be” she thought “this looks exactly like. . . My English room.” The clown hung, watching from its former guard tower and the posters of Shakespeare were illuminated by the same florescent light. “Yes, it was the headquarters of Mrs. Rock.”
Suddenly, she heard the doorknob creak and Carolina stiffened. Mrs. Rock slowly entered the room, acknowledging each item as a mother to her children. “First period!” thought Carolina, “11th grade!” Carolina went to wiped the sweat from her head but was quickly reminded that she was locked, frozen, in a plastic position.
The Class gradually filed in, each wondering if Mrs. Rock would be in a cheerier mood opposed to the previous class. Carolina questioned why they didn’t see her. “I’m sitting on her desk.” she thought, “how can they NOT see me?”
“Alright guys, we’re discussing Metamorphosis. Girls versus boys.” announced Mrs. Rock.
The room quickly bustled with whispers and sexual sighs. Then, Mrs. Rock started towards Carolina, getting larger at every step. “Oh no” worried Carolina, “What’s she gonna do?” And at that moment, Mrs. Rock raised her hand and bounced it several times on Carolina’s head. Soon her head began to nod up and down; and at that moment she knew, she was Mrs. Rock’s “The Rock” bobble head doll.

----------------------------

so I wrote this story for English. Mrs. Rock gave me a B+ with the comment "You are indeed an odd one"

Heaven . . .

Stop
Think
      Confusion 

Can I read what’s
Inside?

I dig at the dirt 
But only to find 
Another layer

Do I proceed?
Can I proceed?

I hesitate at the ambiguity 
Frightened of what
might
be there

I long to know
But fear to find out 

Still,
I press on-
Feeling through the dark 
At the agitated bumps

It itches
Scratches 
Chafes

And I realize

My ignorance 
         Was heaven

Digested Arrogance

Proud 
I Stand over
My sink of compliments

I smile at
The frothy, boiling
vat
Content with my greatness

One by One
I gather my elements of boast 
Looking over 
Every one with care

“wonderful”

I stare at all the facts 
Laid in their specific piles 

Boil 
To simmer
To nothing 

I grab at each of my 
Compliments 
But they melt
       Away

I realize

My superiority 
Evaporated

What it's become

So basically my blog has turned into this creative little corner AKA my poetry booklet. And you know what?
i love it!

In Search of Time

Organized
Blocks of time
Each filled with 
A measured amount.

Block 5
Block 6
Block 7
Block 8

Each packed
With its Maps
And ‘To Do Lists’

Tired,
I see the end
But it’s not 
     Close enough

I ache for time
Reaching toward a break 
In the rush  

But I can’t

Pause 
Breath 
Next step

A Poem

Standing aside
I can’t help but cry
Caught up in your sadness

I see you lost
In agony

I want to help

As Your wall
Your aid
Your friend

I long to release you
From your hurt
Your pain

I reach to support
But you turn away

There’s nothing I can do
Nothing I can say

All I can do
Is let you know


I am here.

loss

loss, that’s one word that nails what the past two weeks have felt like.

It all started with players. as u all know i am a devout player through and through. whether it be set or acting i am always there to have a presence because players is my home and family and u can never replace that.
In the beginning i didn’t like the play. i never got much stage time, or so i thought, and i had no lines. then i came to set. "who fucking cares about lines!" i would think "you have set" me, ellie, hannah, and heather would get our act together and stroll down to the rec every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday to show the boys that we weren’t girly (even though me and heather both knew we were men since the start of chambers. . cough).
After my introduction to set i sat back and watched myself grow. WHO KNEW i could climb the scaffolding and hang a curtain and WHO KNEW that i could lift up and move a platform, i didn’t. Suddenly i was Set Girl In Training taking on heathers spot after she leaves. And as S.G.I.T. became well known so did the beast crew of me ellie and Hannah. i finally knew what a screw was and i finally knew what to do on at strike after the play was over. it was awesome. not only was i bonding even more with my players family i was growing in a way i never knew i could.
Then as play came together and i realized that i actually had a decent role. first there was the additional stage time as well as the awesome costume that i loved and will miss. "THIS PLAY IS GOING TO BE AWESOME" i would think. and i was right.
Opening night came and there was a serenity to the green room. for some reason we were all somber and not as excited as we were for other shows. i almost missed it. but then as the cast gathered to listen to Coach, Blenum, Smith, and VR's speeches i thought "im ok with this" it was ok to be ready to go on stage (even though some of us didn’t feel that way and was always up for perfecting their character . . .hal).
Opening night was a breeze as was Friday. It went by slow but at the same time in an instant. I cherished ever moment of hell week and the performance nights. i even felt accepted at the board sleepover. it was winding down in such a beautiful way.
And then came Saturday. It was raining and I remember listening to Blenum’s speech, recounting all her plays that she had done with the seniors. I almost got teary but then I thought “im not gonna cry, I never cry” but then came VR’s speech and a balled. All of a sudden I realized that these beautiful people that I had idealized and loved are leaving. For awhile I was ignorant to this fact, thinking that this time would never come. But the time was here and I was ready to confront it and I just cried, hugging ever person I could find but making sure not to destroy mr Vr’s make up masterpiece on my face.
The show was a blast. Or as steve-o would say “WE FUCKING BEASTED IT.” and he was right we were amazing. The cast party came and It was awesome. Once again I sat there in awe of my family. Having joe, steve and especially mike get their pins. I just sat there proud that I knew them, proud that I was in their presence. And then sitting there and watching tilman, mads, jeff and heather get roses. It was just awe-inspiring.
Then came the funnies. I had finally gotten what I dreamed of “the big mac” award. Ok so I wasn’t planning on me getting it this year but finally I was recognized for my “pimpett”-ness. This was fallowed by the awesome cast party. I got to spend some last fun moments with my seniors buds. . .ok so I had to leave early and most of my time was stuck talking to poor drunk jon but that’s ok. I had fun anyway.
Then came Sunday strike. I was ok for the first few hours. I was happy and over the whole idea that they were leaving. I had my cry and I was ok now. But then the seniors lined up to get hugs and I went to heather and Madeline and I cried. My idols, my best friends, my loves are leaving and I might not see them for but a brief moment in the future. I’m not sure if they know this now but they should. Heather, Madeline, ever since I was in 7th grade I have looked up to u and though it doesn’t seem that way. I have wanted to be as dazzling as u guys are in players. I love you.
Madeline I will never forget u . . . and ur fake boobs. whether as alice in wonderland, a dancer in a red dress, or just as my amazing friend; You have always been there for me. I don’t know how I would have done this year without you and I love you for it.
Heather. . . What can I say. Your like my big sister. Your performance as joan amazed me as well as others showing us that u can step out of that realm of heather and become someone else. So I kick you . . . and I love you more than chocolate, I love you more than cheese, and I love you more than that rock over there. And heather don’t tell gabe but I LOVE YOU MORE THAN GABE! I will always remember you and always love you
And its not only these two girls its mike who has always been my bud and best friend. Who I can always rock out and pop a lock with. Its Greg who I can sit back in awe of his popage lockage and set-ness. Its Jeff with his amazing acting and hilarious Harry potter loving self. Its Tillman who is FUCKING AMAZING on lights, set, and stage especially with his booming voice as the inquisitor! Its joe who I will always hit yet idealize as an acter, steve who will always be “classic“, its doris who is my lover and will always be my BRICKED UP WINDOW, OPEN WINDOW. . . Its jon who it will always be akward but hot. its wyn, monty, danny, brian, hal, clags, mary, and jonny z. ITS ALSO NOT ONLY THE PLAYERS its kelsey whos a strong part of my life and the pit O WAIT the pit is my life . . . thats not a butt. and its maggie whos will always care and annie who will always be amazingly nice no matter what. and its lucy the amazing assembly board leader, and its andy, and pete, and gabe ATOWN! and its chrissy, and it anna, and GOSH IF I FORGET ANYONE IM SO SORRY! they all have affected me in some way and I love them for it.
so I left the rec feeling such a huge loss. And now I (as well as gabe) go around the school moping. We walk down the hall or in the library thinking “its so empty” if only I could spend the rest of my life with these beautiful people. Because you all inspire me 100% and I love you all.
So as you can see in these past 2 weeks I have felt nothing but loss. It ok eventually ill come to terms with the lack of players and seniors and be the emblem for other un shore juniors along the way but now I have to walk those final steps of the process and become what iv always wanted to be like. The seniors.