There Will Never Be Enough

In life I think that I’ve done pretty well. Yeah, I have a wonderful family, I am going to a great school, and I have millions of friends who are on my side and care about me. But there has always been one thing that I have never been good at: Language. Languages have always tortured my brain and body. I never can get them right. What their saying, what I’m saying, its all a jumble of words that sound great together, with one catch: that you have to put them in the right order for someone to actually understand your meaning. Its like a fucking crap shoot to me. And we have done test for dyslexia and writing and reading disabilities. I even have extra time. But in the end, there is something stuck, a gear maybe, and I still can‘t get it. And I’m not just talking about the romantics, ironically, its English too.
Throughout my life I have learned one thing: “Communication is key.” This phrase is something that I survive on. I have used this to remind me that speaking isn’t an easy thing. Its with this that I can go into a relationship with anyone knowing that I can get what I want and give them what they want. The amount of mature relationships that I have with my friends is really amazing, and I know that they will last a life time. You think that I would get it right in all situations but I guess not. With this situation the lines are fuzzed. And I’ve tried to blame it on dyslexia but in the end I guess its something beyond internal. Something I just can’t get right.
There are so many other people who understand me, my feelings, and what I’m saying. They understand how I feel about you and how much you mean to me. And not only do they realize and appreciate you but they almost envy you. But somehow when it comes to you, I can’t seem to convey it correctly. I can’t put it in the right order so that you can see what I actually mean. It gets tiring because the three god damn words just don’t have any meaning any more. And no matter how pretty the card, or how beautiful the sun set, they never, ever have the weight that I intend. It gets to the point where I get so tired of fighting a battle where the odds are beyond against me, where I am so much on your side, that I gain up on myself for you to win. And in that battle, I never win, no matter the school, or the friends.
So, I'm angry and frustrated that you don't understand that I would give it all for you. I am beyond thankful for what you have done for me and my dreams. And I will succeed no matter what because its your approval that means so much to me. And I know that you would think that was silly but I guess you will never know. You will never know that I have looked up to you as a woman, as a worker, and as everything else. I have wanted so much to be a good person for you that I have even checked in with myself to see if I had not taken on your flaws. There is a reason why people think that we are so much alike.
In my life I have met many girls or “women” as my history teacher Mrs. Grady would call them, but in the end you are the only woman to me. You are the strongest woman in my life and frankly I have modeled much of myself from you. Hopefully one day you will see it and this fight will end, and I can stop screaming the three god damn words that never seem to get into your head. Maybe it is something internal, and maybe I need more than just me to understand the true problem, but in the end I’ll scream the words all while the war wages on and until my voice is horse: “I LOVE YOU!”